On the Stage

This is the poster I made for the choir I am in. It is a little different than the final product, the title "Ames Chamber Artists will be moved over to the right more, and some of the info may change...but there ya be.

Sometimes I'll do nice things for Veronica, by myself or with Kaia. You know, the whole, "Let's do this for Mommy, she'll like it."

She never does that for me.

You what my observation is? I think women expect this because they always think that we're down on them and we did something to piss them off and we're constantly trying to crawl out of the doghouse.

Women just think their invinsible. Well, women, you do things to piss us off too!

Ok...I can't concentrate on this post anymore I just had a bombshell dropped on me here at work...so...yeah

1.) I wish I could tell what people are singing when I see them mouthing words away in their car. -- I know I look like a major fool rockin' out in my car, but I don't care, it's great music and I like to sing. You just have to wonder what is playing in there...what does each individual person rock out to in their car?

2.) I wish I could HEAR what they're rocking out to. Do they sound good? Bad? There was a show on MTV for a little bit, where they hid cameras in cars and someone's friend set them up to drive and with the radio on and the driver was just rockin out. Some people were alone too and rockin' out. It was hilarious! Guys singing like girls, some screaming. Great TV.

3.) Someone here at work told me that there is a state or two that outlaws semi's in the left lane...IOWA NEEDS THIS LAW. 'Nuff said.

4.) Coming to a complete stop on the interstate for NO reason...no reason at all...makes me want to scream. If everyone is going 65 or more WHY would there be a need to come to a complete stop?

5.) There are too many idiot drivers...and no, I'm not one of them.

Anyone have some Kit-Kat's or Hershey's kisses? I just had some here at work, and well, I need more!

If you do go ahead and e-mail them on over to me ;-)

I seem to have lost the little thingie I plug into my usb port that reads my memory stick from the digital camera...so no birthday pictures until that is found. Anyone remember where I put it?

I got this...how do I find out what people searched to get to my page? It shows me where they came from, etc. etc. but I can't find out how to tell what they searched to find my page...Kept Woman? You did it...what am I doing wrong?

EDIT: Aha! Found it, I think. The one person who's visited me since I put it on was unknown (didn't know you could be nowadays) and this is how they got to me: Search Engine google.com
Search Words sondheim passion sucks

I worry about the home-life atmosphere we have.

I worry about how the place is always messy.

I worry about not playing enough with Kaia.

I worry about her also not playing enough by herself.

I worry about her playing by herself too.

I worry about bills, they come in all willy-nilly and I pay them all willy-nilly. Some are electronic transfers, some aren't, some are going to be, one I forgot to pay last month and I think I did this month too.

I worry about money to pay for bills.

I worry about Kaia growing up in a messed up household. We get frustrated easily, we get frustrated with each other, we get frustrated with her.

I worry about her growing up as we're growing up.

I worry about us not be stable at all. V is always at school, I work what seems like longer than normal hours because I have to drive so far to and from.

I worry about things never being better.

I worry about eventually giving up and just letting things be how they are and not trying to improve.

I worry that there is something out there and I just don't know what it is.

Things can be better, things will be better when our life is more "normal" but then there will still be all these problems and they can be better...there is that something out there, is that something me? What if I'm not up to the task? What if I don't want to do it all on my own? What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was? I'm weak, I give up, I roll over, I think "I'll do it eventually" or I don't do it until someone notices or until someone's watching.

I know I have the potential, I know V has the potential, I know Kaia has the potential...

V gets a normal job, I get a normal job, Kaia is in school with more of a set schedule of events (sports, concerts, etc) and we have maybe a better house and a little one of the way...then I'll take it from there.

Right now life is so...unique...right now I get home and I don't know what to do. Do I play with Kaia? Do I let her play by herself? I need to make supper, it needs to be good for Kaia...I don't know what to make. We don't have anywhere to eat it. This kitchen sucks. The pot is dirty. The sink is full. The dishwasher is in the way. The living room is messy. The kitchen is messier, the other room is atrocious. What should Kaia and I play? Am I doing enough with Kaia? She's so smart. We should really do something better. I'm tired. When will Veronica get home? Eh, when she gets home she'll just do homework and whine and complain. It wont be easy putting Kaia to bed tonight. The house is a mess. I should do something about it. But, I don't know where to start. Eh, I'll start on it tomorrow. I need help. It'd be fun to do a craft with Kaia, but it's so messy in here. There's no place to do it. I really should do more with Kaia. I bet *so and so* is so much better than this. They're house is awesome. They have money. I bet they play non-stop with their kid until bed time. I bet their kid is perfect. Well, *so and so*'s kids are older, but they're perfect. I just feel like sitting and doing nothing. If everything was clean, I could keep it that way.

I know life can't be perfect now. I know I can't be where my parent are, or where my friends who are older than me and have older kids and have been working longer, I can't be where they are.

I'm not doing bad...there are definite area's to improve upon, but hey, it should get better.

I think the big problem with cleaning my house is I have all this stuff and I REALLY have nowhere to put it. I'd pick it up and put it where it's suppose to go, but there is no place that it's suppose to go. The house is small, there's no where for storage, there's no place to put storage.

And I think my messy house is really fucking with my brain more than I think it is, more than I know. I really think it's dragging me down. I think my convoluted brain tells me if my house is stellar and big and huge then I'm not a success, then my life isn't a success. If my house is a mess, my life is a mess. If I can't invite people over then my house is a mess. I really don't want people to come over, because they'll see the inside of my house and the judgements will start flooding into their brain and I'll be a failure.

I think I'm going to stop here and just not worry about for right now and keep thinking that when I get home I'll clean...maybe I actually will tonight. BUT then I wont be paying enough attention to Kaia, then I'll feel bad about that, then I'll want to do something with her, but I don't know what. Then she wont go to bed ok so then I'll have to deal with that because if she's in her room for the night with the door closed because she got out of bed too many times, she's figured out how to open the door. I don't have locking doors, so we put a chair in front of it, it's not a heavy enough chair apparently. So then I have to be on guard sitting on the chair so it's heavy enough. One of us is always up there anyway so we can hear what she's screaming, in case some of it is warranted and worry-some. So I could clean the upstairs while I'm there, but then I'll be making too much noise and distracting her from settling down. AND, the big problem...I don't know where to put any of it. So no cleaning gets done, Kaia's screaming gets to me, and I don't get anything done.

What you will need:

A couple cans of Spaghettios with Franks
A Can Opener
A Bowl
A Microwave
A Piece of Paper Towel

First, grab the can opener and open your cans of Spaghettios with Franks. Next you will need to prepare the bowl by making sure it's clean. Pour your cans of Spaghettios with Franks into the bowl. Place the bowl into the microwave and turn the microwave on high to 1:15. Be sure to place a paper towl over the bowl so that it does not splat in the microwave.

Take out the bowl when the microwave beeps, wait a minute for it to cool and enjoy!

If you're feeling extra saucy you can try this recipe.

Take out a pound of ground beef and brown in a pan with a little water on the stove top, dont forget to drain the grease when done! Take out a box of Hamburger Helper and follow the directions on the box, you can't mess it up!

If you're in a frisky mood you can take out a can of biscuits from the refrigerator and prepare those to eat with your meal.

Bon Appetite! :-)

Oooooh yeah! I LOVE this show.

I'm so excited. But the only unfortunate thing is, and I wish I could NOT think this way, but I already know it's not going to be as good as when I saw it last year in Des Moines. I know I SHOULD go into this with a clean slate and judge it for what it's worth, which I will, but I also know how much I LOVED the last cast.

The last cast was Christian Anderson as Jerry, who was both Mark and Roger in RENT at one point so I already knew him coming in and he was GREAT. He's in Avenue Q on Broadway right now.

Trey Ellet was Ethan, who was both Mark and Roger in RENT at one point and Jonathan in TTB and I already knew him, and he was GREAT too.

Then there was Leo Daignault who played Malcolm, one of my favorite characters, and I had never heard of him before but he just blew me away...he was amazing in every way.

The understudy was on for Janette too and she rocked, and the rest of the actors were spot on too and so it was SUCH a good show.

I just don't think this cast will live up to that, and it's not because I've never heard of any of these people before coming to see the show, because I had never heard of Leo and he blew me away.

I just have this thing with musicals...the first time I see a musical is 90% of the time the best cast I'll ever see. It just HAPPENS that way, I honestly don't think it's because it's the first time seeing it live, because I see shows then I see them again and again and that first cast just has the best voices the right characters, they are just the best.

Let's see...it's happened at least with: RENT, The Full Monty, Jesus Christ Superstar and Miss Saigon. I've seen so many shows I'm trying to think of more times when this has happened.

I know there are some it hasn't happened to. In particular Phantom of the Opera and Les Mis. The two times I've seen Phantom *live* I've seen the same Phantom, who was good, but I know there is one in particular, Davis Gaines, that I simply ADORE as the Phantom, but I've never seen him live, and never will, he hasn't been the Phantom since about '93.

With Les Mis, the first time I saw it was good, but then I saw it on Broadway and it wasn't as good, THEN I saw it again here in Des Moines and that was the best cast...the best Jean Valjean (Randall Keith -- the guy who was hand-picked to CLOSE Les Mis on Broadway) and then the best Javert in James Clow who then went on to be in the revival of Assassins on Broadway and then on the cast recording. I can't remember who my first Jean Valjean was right now and it's driving me insane. I'm going to have to go home tonight and look at my playbill.

I could go on in great detail about those ones I saw and then saw again and weren't the best, I could go on about why the original one I saw was the best....but I wont bore you with the details.

To make a short story long and if anyone actually made it all the way through this post, wow, and good for you! I'm excited about seeing The Full Monty this weekend!

I think I licked it!

It was annoying and bad, but I looked it up on the Internet, like I said, and then did all that said, didn't seem to work, but then I went for it and bought the update Norton AntiVirus to 2006 and ran that and it cleaned/removed/quarantined 14 different things and now my lap top is fine!

I can't tell if it's running a little slow or if it's normal, seems a little slow, but I'm pretty sure all those things that WERE On my computer are gone now because I looked for them and they aren't there and all the things it was doing to my lap top it is not doing anymore.

Phew! Dodged a bulled there...I hope *knock on wood*

I've got about 360 days now until I'll need to buy Antivirus again...

My laptop has a couple of big nasty virsus/spyware/whatever the hell you call them. It sucks ROYALLY. I do not have $300 to go let Best Buy clean it up. Nor would I be able to take wiping my harddrive either. I haven't saved half my shit onto CDs because I'm stupid and I've never had a virus and I've never had to worry about it. I just don't have $65 for them to look at it, then $200 to fix it for me, all while wiping my harddrive. Can't do it. I just bought about 3 necessary but I wish weren't things, and that's all I want to do for a while.

I spent about 2 days trying to fix it myself by reading on forums of what people suggested to do with these viruses, step by friggin step and they're still there.

It's my fault, which makes it so much worse. My friend sent me an instant message but all it was was a link to something. So, being my friend, and him getting married next year and he sends me random stuff, I just clicked on it...STUPID. So it asks me to download this thing automatically, and I can't tell what kind of file it is, so I do it anyway thinking it's just a picture or something...MAN I"M STUPD...yes I KNOW better than this I don't know WHAT I was thinking, I am still kicking myself for this. So now it's on my desktop and I still can't tell what it is so I double click on it to open it...STUPID...that's when it disappears and I have some lovely viruses on my lap top now. I'm so pissed at myself...I don't fall for stupid things like this, but I guess we must all have our weak moments because that was the bonehead move of the month for me.

Everytime I bring up my computer it loads this virus, but...it errors out, I think, so I can't tell if I'm getting the full brunt of this one virus because I know the .exe file it's trying to load errors out, unless that's part of the virus. But I do know I still have some viruses on there because I get pop ups when I don't even touch my computer, much less be on the Internet. And they are Internet Explorer viruses which I don't even USE Internet Explorer.

ALSO my fault because I let my Norton AntiVirus run out and not renew because I'm STUPID and because when I tried it wouldn't accept my subscription key and I dind't feel like calling anyone AND I just don't have the money to friggin renew an antivirus...STUPID.

This is on top of my buying a $115 optical drive to replace the one that broke 14 days after my warranty expired and finding out from Best Buy that it wont work and so they send my laptop in to HP to have them fix it and them saying it would be $600 and me telling them to fuck off and send it back, so I get it back NOTHING FIXED after 3 weeks AND my mouse pad doesn't work anymore...THEN I get a fucking virus. Honest thoughts of throwing my lap top out the window have occured.

So, in conclusion, I'M STUPID...and I hate computers.

anyuone know how to make my blogger comments pop up in a new window? I don't want ot have to click on comments, then go to another page (which is hard to read) and then click on make a comment to get the pop up box. I just want it to pop up from the main page.

I had a pretty busy but good weekend.

On Friday I left work early and we took Kaia to the doctor for her 4 year check up -- all was fine and she was doing good and growing fast as usual. The doctor talked to us for a bit about bed time and what was going on and things we could do. I'll have to get into that in a separate post. So basically we got groceries, ate supper and Kaia went to bed.

Saturday I had to get up and go to choir rehearsal. Honestly, I was ok with that. I love choir. The rehearsal was from 9-3:30. It was great! We sound so good already and we don't even perform until December. The songs just completely rock...the whole thing is just so much fun and worth it.

Sunday I got up and took Kaia to Sunday school, this is her 4th time for Sunday School and today I got to stand out in the hallway while she had class and during the singing she actually sang some! Every other Sunday I've had to stay in class with her, which is fine, but it's just a matter of her not being so shy and being able to do things like this without me...which she did this last Sunday! The other Sunday's I wasn't holding her or anything, just standing against the wall and watching, so she wasn't completely dependant. This next Sunday they get up and sing in front of the church, the whole 3 year olds-1st grade classes. I wonder if she'll do it...I'm hoping she will as long as I'm sitting in the front row waiting for her and watching her because this last Sunday she also went up for the Children's sermon and I was just in the front row and she was participating. I don't know if part of it was because her cousin Eva was there, but Eva will be there this Sunday too for the singing because Eva goes to our church for Sunday school too, she's just in the class above Kaia. So, this Sunday should be interesting and fun :-) It's so much fun to watch her personality grow and see her interact with the kids and teachers and see her take direction so well nad participate and have fun.

Also Sunday we went and saw "Angels in America Part One: Millenium Approaches" at StageWest in Des Moines.

WOW..it was SOOO good. It was, probably, one of the best pieces of theatre I have ever seen. Tony Kushner wrote an amazing play with an amazing story and amazing characters. I was completely engrossed. I don't know what more I can say, there was so much emotion in that show...so much to think about after it was over. It was a 3 hour show with two intermissions and that's only Part One.

You may have heard of this show, it was turned in to a movie in parts on HBO last year with Al Pacino and a bunch of Broadway names you wouldn't have heard of :-)

Tony Kushner wrote this amazing script, as I said, but the actors acted the HELL out of it. Man, amazing actors. Simply some of the best theatre I've seen in years. It's not your fluffy funny plays or musicals this is serious, heavy shit. They were amazing actors who seemed to have honed their craft to a T for this show.

Now this isn't a show most of you would probably want to see. Here's what Newsweek described it as, which is on StageWest's web site:


Winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Drama and the Tony Award for Best Play

“Daring and dazzling! The most ambitious American play of our time: an epic that ranges from earth to heaven: focuses on politics, sex and religion; transports us to Washington, the Kremlin, the South Bronx, Salt Lake City and Antarctica; deals with Jews, Mormons, WASPs, blacks; switches between realism and fantasy, from the tragedy of AIDS to the camp comedy of drag queens to the death, or at least the absconding, of God.” Jack Kroll, Newsweek


Just amazing...I have to go rent the HBO movie now, watch Part One to see how they did it and then watch Part Two so I know how it ends!

I can't be...not possible. I don't care about age, I just think it's funny what's happening to me.

My lower back hurts...a fair amount, has for a week now. I've never had back pains before!

My neck is strained...it hurts a hair amount too. I've never had neck pains before.

I have a headache...ok, that doesn't mean I'm getting old, everyone has those.

My kid wont listen to me and throws fits...that must be making me grow old at a faster rate.

Ouch...

This is way too much fun

Go to google and type in "your name needs" and list the first 10 you see

1.) Lars needs guitars (So buy them for me then)
2.) LARS needs women, for Roller Derby. (My wife wouldn't approve)
3.) First, Lars needs to understand the situation. Then Lars needs to learn that it's
all right to express anger, and how to do it in a way that does not hurt ...(that's all the summary says, I didn't click into the site! It was some anger management depression thing)
4.) Chicago Sun-Times, Hero, Roger Ebert reviews Metallica documentary; thinks Lars
needs rehab and the band should break up ...(It's about Lars Ulrich from Metallica)
5.) Lars Needs Drumming Lessons. (Could be fun...I've always wanted to play trap)
6.) Lars needs the following Packets of your distribution installed on the...(ok...)
7.) Lars needs to commit suicide and take his cocksucking buddy kirk hammet with him.
(Oh my...)
8.) St. Wanker Lars needs to stop using trash can lids sounds on Metallica albums (Lars from Metallica sucks...he is a wanker)
9.) Lars needs 3 rounds to "warm-up"... (hehe, anyone else thinking dirty?)
10.) Lars needs to concentrate on the studio and touring...not doing some wu tang
movie thing.(Damn Metallica Lars, he's ruining my Google fun)

Kaia's birthday is coming up.

I want to make her a cake, using a disney princess cake pan, and then decorate it myself. I don't think my mom has a tin for Belle or Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella or Snow White, etc...so I don't know where to go about getting one of these. She might have a snow white one, I'd have to ask her.

I need to get Disney princess cups, plates, napkins, placemats, etc. etc.

But I don't know what to do for a party...she doesn't really have anyone to invite...there's where I'm lost. She just started Sunday School so she doesn't know any of those kids, and I don't know any parents with kids Kaia's age, except my cousin who has her two kids that Kaia plays with sometimes...but what, I'm going to have a party for a bunch of adults and 3 little kids?

My sister's all "What are you doing for Kaia's birthday?! You need to decide now!! Well, if you're going to then you need to do this and that" Yes, I know. But...you don't have any kids so shut up.

So tell me parents of young ones or ones that were young...what do you do for a 4 year old when she doesn't really have any little kids that she has as friends. Just the kids she sees at daycare, which none of them are her age (which is one reason we're leaving -- there was one her age but she left), or the ones she sees at Sunday School who she doesn't even know.

I think I'll probably still invite my cousin and her husband and their kids, since we're sort of close cousins and what not, but...they never invite Kaia to their birthday parties...maybe they don't have ones. But every time we go over there to play it's because I called up and said "Hey, want to get together so the kids can play?" But that's just the way she is, I guess, she never calls to invite us over.

Whatever...what do I do? What did you do?

My sister, Katie, and her fiance and his son and their little daughter, my niece, Claire were up to visit this past weekend :-) We're going out there for a week in November when they get married...Kaia will be the flowergirl. I've seen the dress...'tis very cute!

Me and Claire


Kaia


Me and my sisters (Jena on the left, oldest and Katie on the right, middle child)

I know it's not any special theme or anything...yet...but I wanted to change the look and I think this new look is streamlined and smooth and sleek and I love it! I got everything the way I want it, mostly. Kept the haloscan comments so I wouldn't lose all of my comments again! I'm proud of myself for figuring them out :-D They are a space down and to the right instead of where I'd want them to be, which is right next to the blogger comments, but...I'm just excited I pasted the right codes to keep them :-D

Got all my clocks and aids stuff (as Meritt calls it :-)) on there too! As well as my links and what not.

I will try to do something with the title section sometime, but it's late and I'm going to try and get some tonight still...since the wife and I didn't really fight at all tonight :-) Though I'm sure I'll hear a "I'm tired" or "I don't feel very good" or "I'm stressed" sort of thing.

Oh...and Kaia went to bed pretty good tonight! And she's been improving a lot in the potty area :-D

GOODNIGHT!

I want to change my blog, but I can't. I'm not that smart and I don't have patience right now.

Oh, and I have no COMPUTER. My damn laptop was taken into HP to fix and upgrade. The optical drive SHOT and so I wanted to go from dvd reader/cd writer to dvd/cd writer.

Well...I get a fancy call yesterday telling me it's $660 to upgrade! Well fuck you too. Send my damn laptop back and don't even fix the current drive I have. I will use Veronica's laptop to burn CDs and I will buy an external dvd writer and you all can kiss my boompa.

So, my laptop should be back Saturday or Monday, absolutely NOTHING changed and a complete WASTE of 2 weeks and about $60...oh and the $115 I spent on a new drive I bought myself that people on the www.zd7000forums.com said would work and did NOT according to Best Buy. Gotta return that now...pissed off is me.

So, in one month Kaia will start in at a new daycare.

She starts Nov 7th. Our stupid daycare lady now requires ONE MONTH notice. I'll be so glad to be done with her.

This new daycare is at the bible camp right outside Story City, and they'll be about 20 kids total, most of them all her age, some younger, some older, and 4 other girls her age and some boys too. M-W-F they'll do preschool stuff and then just have a good nurturing atmosphere. They go on little field trips, do lots of cool projects and stuff. They went to the zoo this summer, and they're going horseback riding today!! She'll love it there, I'm sure.

I went and visited it and it is a great place. The kids were all having so much fun. They have some high school seniors come and help out in the afternoons too, which I think is awesome (one is a kid I was in Oklahoma with).

It's really important to have her where there are other kids her age for her to interact with and not become so shy and a nice Christian atmosphere and a place to do preschool as well.

I'm excited, but I'm really scared to let go of her :-( She's my little girl and I don't want to make her cry again as it takes a week or so for her to not scream when we drop her off :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( I just want to hold her all day long, it breaks my heart.

I need to get some really, really bad. It's not fair, how did a woman who enjoyed sex and blowjobs and all the good stuff marry me and then decide it wasn't as important anymore? She just doesn't care or feel like it 99% of the time. I swear...either the day I slipped on that ring or the day that bun was put in the over was the day she became blaize about sex.

I would like to have sex a lot, I would like to have it during the middle of the day, or on a car ride or in the morning or in public or anytime or anywhere. I like sex, I do I do. I love boobs, and they're all over the place, I see them all the time, you can't hide them and I have two at home to play with...I just don't ever get to. The hand just wont do it anymore, just wont at all.

I guess I need to wait until she's 30 or 40 when women *supposedly* hit their sexual peak. Boy...is that a long time away.

I have other things I'd like to blog about, but it doesn't seem right to talk about my dream last night or a broken laptop or my sister and her family being in town in a post like this :-)

So...my dream last night.

I was with this girl...I had no knowledge of Veronica, so it's not like I was cheating on Veronica, it's one of those dreams where you're you, but not with the life you're living right now. I was with this girl, and she was amazing! I wasn't "with" with this girl, we were at the show Wicked, wherever it was at. I don't know where we were, just that we were at Wicked. But this girl was amazing, she was SO nice and comforting and just there for me, hugging and cuddling and kissing (ok, making out) and paying attention to me, and it was all about me and her and it was just this brand new love feeling. You know the feeling, where you first meet and find out you like and/or love each other and you can't stop thinking about the person and you just want to spend every minute with them and nothing can stop you two and the world isn't moving if you're not with the other person. That's what it felt like. It was SO great. She was with me, we were in that new love euphoric high times and she loves theatre and she was hot as hell...man! I'm still riding on cloud 9 for this dream.

I think I can read volumes into this dream...but I'm not going to ;-)

Other weird things in this dream -- I went to the bathroom and I had to go to the last urinal down because there were lots of guys in there and one was a classmate of mine from high school, who I had never hung out with and rarely even talked to! Who knows why! Right next to me were a row of showers too. I went to the bathroom during intermission and it was starting again and I could hear it and then it was just me and Nick, the classmate, and he was washing his hands hardcore, like he was getting into it, with washing arms and everything, and the show was starting again so I zipped up and ran out there...partways because the show was starting again and partways because my super awesome girlfriend was waiting there for me.