On the Stage

“You can’t make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?”
- - Bob Moawad
Professional Development Consultant

I’m depressed today. I didn’t want to be, but I am. Maybe it’s Monday, but I don’t think that’s it. That sucks too, because I have control over my own emotions, but secretly deep down in my psyche somewhere it’s telling me to be depressed today.

Hell, I have reason to be, but, everyone always has a reason to if they look hard enough for the reason. Some just don’t have to look as hard as others. Some choose to look, and I guess, some choose not to also.

You know something else I don’t like? And I do this with other people too, so I’m not one to talk, but, when people get mad or annoyed at me for being depressed. You know like when they say, “Look at my life THEN maybe you’d know what it’s like to be depressed.” Well, that’s all well and good buddy, but let’s take things in perspective. Everyone has their own degrees of life and things that are affecting them. Say some dude won 20 million dollars, if he walked up to me and told me he was depressed I’d be thinking “Fuck you” in my head, but just because he has money doesn’t mean he doesn’t have something else going on in his life. Or maybe what has him depressed isn’t as big a deal as what has me depressed, but it’s still important to him in his life.

Well, my wife calls me and always has something going wrong in her life and so she bitches to me about it and there’s nothing I can do and she’s never motivated enough to figure out a solution herself, especially without bitching about it a lot first…so I feel like I have to solve all of her problems because she can’t figure it out herself, and lots of times it’s because our lives our so unorganized and fucked up that things don’t ever go the way they’re suppose to. She needs the checkbook, I have it at work here with me, I work fucking 45 minutes from home so it’s not like she can just come and get it, and we can’t find any other checkbooks, which I’m not sure if there are any or if we need to order more, but I’d have to be damn well convinced we have more somewhere. But our apartment is a clean mess and we’re not organized in anyway, which has GOT to be partway Veronica’s fault, since she just doesn’t handle things well and doesn’t know much about maturity, though I have my downsides there too, but she’s worse. ANYTHING that involved bills or money or anything “grown up” I have to handle because she doesn’t know jack shit and doesn’t try to figure it out. I DIDN’T know jack shit, but kind of have to now because someone needs to and I just wish she would grow up and help! School is a very hard thing, that I know, but it doesn’t mean you get a free pass to the rest of your life because it’s so difficult, I had a wife and child and an apartment when I was in school, now I know she did more than me, which wasn’t much, while I was in school and gone for homework and plays etc. but when it came to most anything “grown up” if you know what I mean, it was still done by me. It’s hard to explain the frustration I have with her, but it’s obviously there!

So today’s problems are a number of things.

1.) We’re going to JCS here in Ames tomorrow and we need to buy 5 tickets for other people that are going with us. Well we have no credit card or debit card (long fucking story that just pisses me off so I’m not going to tell it) so all we have is our ATM card and our checkbook. Well I have the checkbook and she SAYS she can only get $100/day from the ATM machine which I don’t believe. So how is she going to get the tickets today? Well that I don’t actually know. But she was home searching for some more checks and getting pissed and getting pissed because I have the checkbook because I have some bills I took here to work to pay for and she has three classes today and only one hour break and she has to stop at the library and to go get the tickets which I don’t know how we’re going to do anymore and we’re having company over tonight and we have no food and no time to go to the grocery store because they’ll be over at 5:15 and that’s when I’ll get home from work and picking up Kaia and that’s when she’ll be home from class and she has to be back to school at 6:30 to rehearse for a percussion concert that she has at 7:30 that will last till 8:30 even though she only plays in the first song and so we have no supper, so she’s thinking of stopping at Papa Murphey’s for some pizza but I didn’t want to spend money on supper since we need to spend money at the grocery store to buy food so we have some suppers without going out to spend money to eat and…ugh…so you get the drift.

2.) Our STUPID in-home daycare worker takes every fuckin’ federal holiday off, DON’T ASK ME WHY, AND AND AND we have to pay her for it, because she PISSES ME OFF, but Kaia really likes her and she does a good job, mostly, I have some qualms, but that’s a different story. ANYWAY…so she gets Veteran’s day off AND WE HAVE TO PAY HER, did I mention that?! And so we have no one to watch Kaia because V has three classes that day and has already missed them because of other various Kaia sickness reasons before, and I have exactly three days of PTO left and can’t use it because we’re going to Washington for Christmas, and our ONLY babysitter is my parents because we’re a young couple with kids and know no one else and no one else that we’ve known long enough that Kaia knows them and wouldn’t scream because we’re leaving her with a complete stranger. We have my cousin but she JUST had a baby and has two other kids so I’m not even going to ask her, so that’s really frustrating. So we have no one to watch Kaia on Thursday, but my dad gets that day off, but I’m not going to ask him because they watch Kaia every time we have something to do, and plus he’s a HUGE hunter and so he’ll probably be gone all day hunting anyway, and they don’t watch Kaia ALL that much except for this past couple of weeks because we’ve had rehearsals for the show we’re in, and even though it’s only a couple hours from 6:30-9 you know, this past week it was everyday since we opened this past weekend and then we’re to my parents house every weekend anyway to do laundry, and though they’d HATE it if we stopped coming over, I think they do get burned out maybe, I don’t know, but it feels like I inconvenience them every time I ask them to watch Kaia even though I KNOW that’s not true because they love her so much and have said how pissed they’d be if we moved away like my sister did! But…it’s hard to explain. So we’re in a tight spot there…and I asked them to watch Kaia on Tuesday night so we could go to the show, and it felt like I was inconveniencing them, but after this weekend after next our show will be over and we wont see them except for on Saturdays and Sundays and then things can start going back to normal, but JEEZ, it sucks.

Me at work I don’t like and 45 minutes away and Veronica a full time double major at college and being young with a child and not much money and no friend to speak of except a couple fully single friends in Des Moines who have lives and money and no cares in the world but work and so it’s safe to say we don’t have a normal life in any way shape or form and some times it gets overwhelming.


Now I know this may not be much to some of you compared to what’s going on in your lives, but it is hard to put out into words what goes on everyday and how our lives work, but I had to get all that out, even though it’s really only the tip of the iceberg, and I did, so I guess I feel a little better.


I’m sorry, I probably came off as a real dickhead, but I’m having a bad day…

Oh, P.S. I got a “fuck you very much” letter from The Story County Advertiser on Friday. It’s not surprising, and not really surprising that it was in a letter even though he said he’d call. Which always makes me a little depressed because of my lack of skills and education I received at college and how I don’t have time to improve my skills and can’t go back to college for another degree right now, etc. etc. but….that’s another topic that will probably never be written on and just live in my head slowly eating away at me every day until something possibly comes along to make me feel better!


MY DAY JUST GOT A LITTLE BETTER: V just called and told me we have FRONT ROW tickets to JCS tomorrow!!!! AND AND AND the tickets were $23.40 a piece!!!! Front row…cheap…front row…aahh!!

Oh, and V found another checkbook, so that little fiasco is solved. Life moves on, I'm always frustrated as hell with her and she likewise, but for some reason we still love each other...go figure!