On the Stage

Ever wondered these things? I have.

I find myself going to the bathroom at work, and when I’m done, since 98% of the time I’m there by myself I just go ahead and look at myself in the mirror, then turn around and try to look back and see what my butt looks like in whatever pants I’m wearing. You gotta wonder that sometimes.

I look at myself backwards, well try, and I know I don’t look quite like that because I’m twisting, whereas from someone else’s point of view I don’t look twisted. So as I’m looking at myself backwards I try to walk and see what my butt looks like when I walk. What type of butt walker am I?

You know the types:

“Never ending crack” woman is the one that has her pants so far up her behind you’d think it never ends. Gross…now this typically happens on a woman, but there are men versions. And there are sublter versions that are a branch of the "never ending crack" family known as "suction cheeks"

“Mover and a Shaker” woman is the one that jiggles and shakes and bounces soo much you wonder how their legs look so normal walking when their bottom is jiggling so much. Now this typically happens on a woman, but there are men versions.

“Ghetto Booty” woman has, and I quote David Yazbeck’s musical The Full Monty

Horse
She got a butt like a battleship!
I don't need to look above the hip

She got that shelf kinda ass ... you could display your tchotchkes, your collectibles on there.

Baby got back. That's a fact
You could park a wide-track Pontiac in that crack
Now that's the goods
The bigger the cushion -

Jerry
She's got a sofa-bed back there!

You see what I mean now. Once again, typically women, but I have seen a male “ghetto booty” before. Now certainly don’t get me wrong here, I know a woman who has “ghetto booty” but she also has “damn!” butt (see below) so not all ghetto booty is bad, and it’s all in the eye of the beholder anyway. Variations on “ghetto booty” include: “bubble butt” and “j-lo butt”

“Slanted Butt Cheeks” now there is someone I know that has the “slanted butt cheeks” butt. This is a mystery to me and I don’t know if anyone is going to follow me. It’s like if you were to take nicely shaped butt cheeks and set them up right and normal like butt cheeks on a woman with a really nice butt then take them and ever so slightly slant them like so, / \ and make them all perky, that’s what it is. She is really skinny and she has had a kid and you cannot tell ONE bit. It’s a really nice butt and all my guy friends like it a lot, but it’s just weird how they kind of slant…

“Inward slant” or more commonly referred to as “No butt” man, and sometimes woman, has just as it’s commonly referred to as, “no butt.” It’s like an inward slant of the pants because there is no butt there to hold the pants up. My uncle has this big and bad and our family makes fun of him for it, it’s quite funny. You all know someone with “no butt” syndrome.

“My hips are part of my butt” woman or more commonly known as “saddle bags” is the one that’s hips are just a continuation of their butt. They have fairly nice skinny legs, but you get up to the hip and it’s just ( on one side and ) on the other side extended out from the buttial region.

And finally “damn!” butt. It’s the (for guys) woman that just makes you same “damn!” every time you see their ass and (for women) the man that you see that just makes you say “damn!”

Those are just a few of the common butts found in America, if you know more feel free to respond and they can be added to the list, with credit due to you of course. And like I said earlier, it’s all in the eye of the beholder, some people like “my hips are my butt” and some don’t, some like “inward slant” (don’t ask me why J) and some don’t.

This is all typically found in a woman, they just have so many variations on their body style, whereas a man just has a butt mostly.

Anyway…so after looking at myself in the mirror enough and from what others have said, I’d tend to call myself an “inward slant” or “no butt” man. How about you?