On the Stage

I worry about the home-life atmosphere we have.

I worry about how the place is always messy.

I worry about not playing enough with Kaia.

I worry about her also not playing enough by herself.

I worry about her playing by herself too.

I worry about bills, they come in all willy-nilly and I pay them all willy-nilly. Some are electronic transfers, some aren't, some are going to be, one I forgot to pay last month and I think I did this month too.

I worry about money to pay for bills.

I worry about Kaia growing up in a messed up household. We get frustrated easily, we get frustrated with each other, we get frustrated with her.

I worry about her growing up as we're growing up.

I worry about us not be stable at all. V is always at school, I work what seems like longer than normal hours because I have to drive so far to and from.

I worry about things never being better.

I worry about eventually giving up and just letting things be how they are and not trying to improve.

I worry that there is something out there and I just don't know what it is.

Things can be better, things will be better when our life is more "normal" but then there will still be all these problems and they can be better...there is that something out there, is that something me? What if I'm not up to the task? What if I don't want to do it all on my own? What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was? I'm weak, I give up, I roll over, I think "I'll do it eventually" or I don't do it until someone notices or until someone's watching.

I know I have the potential, I know V has the potential, I know Kaia has the potential...

V gets a normal job, I get a normal job, Kaia is in school with more of a set schedule of events (sports, concerts, etc) and we have maybe a better house and a little one of the way...then I'll take it from there.

Right now life is so...unique...right now I get home and I don't know what to do. Do I play with Kaia? Do I let her play by herself? I need to make supper, it needs to be good for Kaia...I don't know what to make. We don't have anywhere to eat it. This kitchen sucks. The pot is dirty. The sink is full. The dishwasher is in the way. The living room is messy. The kitchen is messier, the other room is atrocious. What should Kaia and I play? Am I doing enough with Kaia? She's so smart. We should really do something better. I'm tired. When will Veronica get home? Eh, when she gets home she'll just do homework and whine and complain. It wont be easy putting Kaia to bed tonight. The house is a mess. I should do something about it. But, I don't know where to start. Eh, I'll start on it tomorrow. I need help. It'd be fun to do a craft with Kaia, but it's so messy in here. There's no place to do it. I really should do more with Kaia. I bet *so and so* is so much better than this. They're house is awesome. They have money. I bet they play non-stop with their kid until bed time. I bet their kid is perfect. Well, *so and so*'s kids are older, but they're perfect. I just feel like sitting and doing nothing. If everything was clean, I could keep it that way.

I know life can't be perfect now. I know I can't be where my parent are, or where my friends who are older than me and have older kids and have been working longer, I can't be where they are.

I'm not doing bad...there are definite area's to improve upon, but hey, it should get better.

I think the big problem with cleaning my house is I have all this stuff and I REALLY have nowhere to put it. I'd pick it up and put it where it's suppose to go, but there is no place that it's suppose to go. The house is small, there's no where for storage, there's no place to put storage.

And I think my messy house is really fucking with my brain more than I think it is, more than I know. I really think it's dragging me down. I think my convoluted brain tells me if my house is stellar and big and huge then I'm not a success, then my life isn't a success. If my house is a mess, my life is a mess. If I can't invite people over then my house is a mess. I really don't want people to come over, because they'll see the inside of my house and the judgements will start flooding into their brain and I'll be a failure.

I think I'm going to stop here and just not worry about for right now and keep thinking that when I get home I'll clean...maybe I actually will tonight. BUT then I wont be paying enough attention to Kaia, then I'll feel bad about that, then I'll want to do something with her, but I don't know what. Then she wont go to bed ok so then I'll have to deal with that because if she's in her room for the night with the door closed because she got out of bed too many times, she's figured out how to open the door. I don't have locking doors, so we put a chair in front of it, it's not a heavy enough chair apparently. So then I have to be on guard sitting on the chair so it's heavy enough. One of us is always up there anyway so we can hear what she's screaming, in case some of it is warranted and worry-some. So I could clean the upstairs while I'm there, but then I'll be making too much noise and distracting her from settling down. AND, the big problem...I don't know where to put any of it. So no cleaning gets done, Kaia's screaming gets to me, and I don't get anything done.