Confidence
I have none. I really just think I'm done. Part of me doesn't want to quit, but I just don't think I have what it takes. I specifically don't think I have what it takes to do it on my own, but I've already spent $20,000 on a worthless education. I want to be a graphic designer but I have none of what it takes to be one. Why do you think I don't get any of the jobs I apply for? Because I SUCK. I went to friggin Waldorf College where do you think that is going to get me? NOWHERE. I helped design and layout the yearbook for ONE year, and even then I didn't do very much. How is that suppose to help me? I got a Print Communication degree, from Waldorf College, whoopie-friggin-do. I look at all the other work that real graphic designers put out and it's no wonder I am dirt under their shoes. The guy that got the job here I wanted, he's good. I know why he got it, even if I want to bitch at why he got it and not me, all along I know why, I just didn't want to say it because then people would know that I'm a sham. I don't know the programs you need to know to be a graphic designer, and the ones I do know you either don't need to know or I most certainly do not know them well enough. Nor am I making any attempt to learn them better. Which I know is my fault, but, when the hell am I suppose to do that? I don't exactly have the life of luxury to sit down and try to teach myself really friggin hard programs, which I don't have much confidence to teach myself right now anyway, and I most definately do not have the time or money to go back to college and learn it, though ISU would be the perfect place to go. I see my friend being a graphic design major at ISU and he is fuckin' unbelievable and so good and smart and he's got it all going for him. He was very smart to begin with, so that helps. I don't want to go back to college to learn graphic design because then it will most definately mean I'm a failure the first time and I wasted so much of my money and so much of my parents money to go to Waldorf for no reason. I have problems spending $10 where I don't need to spend it, I can't go spending tens of thousands of dollars again on an education I should have been smart enough to get the first time. But goddammit I don't want to work shit good-for-nothing jobs the rest of my life because I'm a goddamn failure. I will be working jobs like I have right now for the rest of my life if I can't do something about it. I have talents in something, I know it, so why I can't figure it out? Why couldn't I have gotten it right the first time? Why can't I get a break and then maybe I will discover the talents I have if someone will just give me the job in the first place. Shit, maybe if I had the time and if I had my friend at ISU who actually wanted to help I could learn a little more of the programs I don't know. I don't think I'm creative enough to think of those designs no one though of before. I don't think I have the eye for creativity. I think I've always been good at mimicking things I see and hear, well that's sure as fuck not going to help me be original and creative. Why did I waste so much of my life so that I can waste the rest of my life because I wasn't responsible and smart enough when I had the chance? Now I'm out of college and suppose to be getting a job, but it's got to be obvious when I go into interviews that 1.) I have no confidence and that 2.) what little shit I do have to show them in my portfolio is absolute crap compared to what the other applicants are bringing to the table. I've seen this guy that got my job's work and he's damn good. He probably went to some good school, stayed away from extra-curriculars, stayed away from having fun like band and choir and theatre, stayed away from girls and instead concentrated on what he needed to do so he could get the best education and learn, learn, learn and get that job he always wanted. He probably made something of his internships. Or maybe he's just got the natural talent that I really don't think I have for graphic design. A lot of it comes from experience and using the programs on a daily basis and knowing the programs and I don't have any of that. If I had learned the programs, if I had used it everyday and still get to now use it everyday, but the fact of the matter is that I don't know the programs all that well and I'm not keeping up, so I don't use it everyday. I'm not mad at this guy, it's not his fault he's talented and got the right education and got the job he deserved. My company got a lot better talent and a lot better product than if they would have given me the job. It's just so much easier to wish they had given it to me and to say "Oh, I was ripped off" then maybe people will think I'm good and think I have talent, because somehow everyone I know thinks I can do it, which is good, it means they love me and believe in me and have blind faith that I can do it, but I don't have blind faith in myself, I know I probably couldn't do it, or if I did it, it certainly wouldn't be near as good as any other applicant that could have the job. I'm sure there is some job out there that requires what little skills I do have and would make me feel good about having a degree and getting to use it, and I would grow with that company and with that position and thereby learn more and get experience and maybe put my education to use. I bought self help books on the programs I need to know and I have the programs on my computer I just don't use the books after Kaia goes to bed to try and teach myself and get the skills. But really how better do you get the skills than either in class with teachers to guide you with projects and with instruction or in a real-life work situation where you have someone there who does the same thing as you and you have projects to work on and your getting guidance from them or you're just thrust into the situation and you have time to study the books with projects to work on. This topic is just something I skirt around whenever I talk to someone or I mention it on this blog, but it's so much bigger of a problem than I try to let on to. I know barely anything and my skills suck. SO basically I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. Maybe suck it up and find the time to try and teach myself the things I need to know? Who knows...
